If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize