My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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