in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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