I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
