How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
