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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

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• (901): View more from Tennessee

  How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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• (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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• (407): View more from Florida

  Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.

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• (315): View more from New York

  She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Rodger that.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.

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