as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
