There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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