you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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