Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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