Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
