I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
