I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
