Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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