I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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