Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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