So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
