every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm too high and old for this...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
