I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
