I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
