I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
