Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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