Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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