If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
