We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
