i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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