Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
