apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
