I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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