Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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