So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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