My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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