My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
50% drunk capacity currently
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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