I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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