Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I could fuck to npr.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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