we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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