she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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