living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
