Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
