Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize