I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
