apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
