He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have already put on my inside pants.
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