You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
