Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
