I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize