I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
