I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
