Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
