mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
