my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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