i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
