There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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