i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
that may or may not have been my penis.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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