by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
