Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
