could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
