He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
