i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
