you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
