My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize