sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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