Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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