Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
